Pretending Along

Things to Do in DC When You're Dumped (The Conclusion, Bitches)

Question: is it wrong to refer to the few readers of this blog as 'bitches'? It's not that I direct it at any significant gender, I just think that my blog persona-- which ain't that different from my regular persona (except that my regular persona is at work a lot, a place he can't refer to everyone as 'bitches' even though it is a sort of term of endearment for me)-- likes to use bitches instead of y'all or folks. It's as much an exclamation point as a reference to a collective. But I digress.

Today’s post is the much anticipated awards show for the First Annual Pretending Along Teen Angst / Unrequited Love Poetry Contest. That’s right, it’s just like a Hollywood awards show, we’ve got celebrities, poorly written one-liners (see the facial joke from Monday), drunk nominees, and a general self-congratulatory air about us. Unlike awards shows, however, we have a tie.

Our unbiased team of judges (none of whom visit this blog) deliberated in seclusion selected their top two poems based on objective criteria which include: the lack of basic poetic merit, the use of achingly obnoxious metaphor, and sheer narcissistic self involvement and self pity. So, without further ado, the winner are, Jaden and Randolph.

This puts me in an uncomfortable position (actually, I’ll take any position I can get these days, since I’m so not getting any-- *ba-dum-ching*)- but seriously I’d intended to present a prize (read: a couple beers on me) to the winner, but Jaden appears to reside on the left coast. So RJ gets a couple beers when I see him next, and Jaden, well, I’ll figure something out (open to suggestions).

Thanks to everyone who participated.

"Untitled"

by Randolph:

Sweedish fish are red

Blueberries are blue

You decided to make out with the captain of the football team at the party last night in front of everybody on the couch while I sat in the corner you little slutty slut

and I feel like poo.

"Untitled"

by Jaden:

Like every episode
of Three's Company;
I am

misunderstood.

Now the hatred I feel
is overpowering.
Even though the line between

is thin.

Then you told me;
Welcome to Dumpsville-
population-you.

ps. i'm gay

Posted by cs at April 16, 2004 2:48 PM