Pretending Along

Live Nurse Chat

OK, I'm accident prone. There I've admitted it. Some people might say I'm clumsy, but I think accident prone describes it better. Shit just happens to me. Sometimes it is a direct result of clumsiness, and other times, well, it's just dumb luck.

Take this from a couple of weeks ago: I was at a friend's house, just getting ready to bbq and have a couple of beers after a long week at work. He's really excited because he just put up his hammock and he knows I need a relaxing day to do essentially nothing. The hammock has been up for a couple of days, it's attached to a tree on one end and a six-foot 4x4 post, cemented into the ground, at the other. My friend (who is at least 20 lbs heavier than I) had been lounging in the hammock for most of that weekend. I sit in the hammock, slowly swing one leg up, then the other, and am horizontal for about .3 seconds. At that point the 4x4 snaps at the base, I crash to the ground, and the large board comes crashing down on my head pulled down by all 180 lbs of me. My housemate later said I looked like I'd gone ten rounds with someone.

My stepfather has an interesting take on this phenomenon. He believes that I function as a sort of karmic magnetic field; I block the random shit from happening to friends and family and somehow divert it to myself. He developed this theory over a number of years. Years filled with beds I was sleeping in randomly breaking in the middle of the night; lone rusty nails left on a freshly swept floor mysteriously finding my feet; women behind the wheel while having seizures on lonely country roads miraculously crashing into my car. That sort of shit.

But I have digressed. My original point was this my accident prone nature (combined with a sense of adventure and recklessness, and perhaps a dash of stupidity) has landed me in a fair share of emergency rooms, hospitals and doctors offices. As a result, I'm reluctant to go to these places as an "adult." I just don't like them, and unless I'm in fear that I've actually done significant damage, I'd rather not go through the hassle. Growing up in a rural area, we had one doctor’s office in the town. If you weren't having a life threatening emergency, you could go there. Terrible sore throat and fever, they'd give you a strep culture. Think you broke your wrist, they had an X-ray machine. None of this crap where you have to go you your primary care physician (which I've never been to and who informs me that he can't see me till at least 6/9), who then sends you to a radiologist, and then it's 4 days till anyone looks at your Xrays.

So, Sunday, after getting out of the shower before work, I stubbed my right little toe. I stubbed it on a milk crate. [Shut up, I can hear you laughing] I looked down and the damn thing was kinda pointing out to the right, away from my foot. I pushed it back nonchalantly, walked into the living room where my housemate was making breakfast, and continued getting ready for work. [editors note--above 2 sentences should read: I screamed "fucking-ass-monkey-balls" looked down and noticed the toe was pointing off to the side and smacked it back to its normal position while unleashing a string of profanity that I can't really remember, but which ended with "God damn, I fucking suck.]

So that was Sunday. Today my foot looks like a rainbow with the OYG left out--it's just R and BIV and some brown thrown in for good measure. In short, it looks cool. But cool colors aside, it fucking hurts, I can't run or ride my bike, and if I want to I can easily push it off to the right at an unnatural angle. So I've decided to go to a doctor. I went on to my medical plan's website and was presented with the option of "Live Nurse Chat." (shouldn’t someone on the web design team have considered the connotation of that phrase, it just screams internet porn.) Those who know me won't be surprised that I clicked that link in an instant.

(A brief note about “Live Nurse Chat.” Before you log on you’re asked to check a box, yes or no, if you are experiencing symptoms. If you say yes, they immediately log you off and tell you to seek medical attention.)

My sexy registered nurse was named Elaine, and she treated me with all the TLC you’d expect from someone on the Internet purporting to be a woman:

Elaine: Hello, Chris, welcome to myuhc.com nurse chat. My name is Elaine. How may I help you today?

Me: Quick question: I just enrolled in my health plan, haven't seen my assigned doctor yet, and he can't see me for at least a week. Is an urgent care center an alternative, what are those centers for?

Elaine: Are you having a medical problem?

Me: I think I may have broken my toe over the weekend. It's not incredibly pressing, certainly not worth me going to an emergency room in a major city three days after the incident.

Elaine: I'm sorry you're not feeling well. Let me find a general reference for you to review so that you can understand what is going on...

Me: Actually, I was just wondering if an urgent care center is the appropriate place to go. I don't need reference.

Elaine: Here is the information you requested. It should appear below. If not please cut and paste the following into the address bar of your browser: http://...

Me: I don't need information about foot injuries, I just need to know if an Urgent Care center is the appropriate place to go.

This session has timed out.

Elaine was less than helpful. “So what I can understand what’s going on?” See here you dumb digital bitch, I know what’s going on, my fucking to hurts. What kind of idiot do you think I am?

Anyway, I think she's a bot. None the less, before I find an urgent care center I'm going to log back on and find out what she's wearing. I think we could all have some fun with this.